The Ritalinner's Ploy
by becs1
Summary: A spoof of the mid-'60s "Batman" TV show starring Adam West and Burt Ward. I'm trying to be campy! Please review because my friends and I might actually perform this. Holy camcorder!
1. Scene 1 - Stately Wayne Manor

[A/N: Incredibly Important Thing To Know About This Fic -- It was written and conceived purely as a movie for my friends and I to make. Therefore, it may and will contain inside jokes and particularly hilarious obsevations as we go along. What can I say? We were bored, it's almost summer, and we've all slowly grown obsessive about Batman. But not just any Bats. Which lead me to the Other Really Important Author's Note -- This was intended and pictured to be the insanely campy and wonderous '60s version. I'm talking total Adam West and Burt Ward here, people. And nothing less. So enjoy my attempt at being funny and campy. Woo.]  
  
  
  
BATMAN  
  
"THE RITALINER'S PLOY"  
  
SCENE I  
  
[Stately Wayne Manor. BRUCE WAYNE, DICK GRAYSON, and AUNT HARRIET sit in the study, surrounded by textbooks and notebooks. Aunt Harriet is in the armchair, knitting. Bruce and Dick are on their knees around the coffee table.]  
  
DICK: Gosh, Bruce, why do I have to learn all this nonsense about importing and exporting? I mean, it's not like I'm ever going to leave Gotham City, since everything we ever need is right here.  
  
HARRIET: Now, now, Dick. You know you have to keep up in your studies if you want to continue to be Mr. Wayne's ward. It is a valuable position.  
  
BRUCE: Yes, Dick. Believe it or not, I find myself in a lot of dangerous situations, and you tend to come to the rescue. [Cough] But back to Social Studies. You see, some countries have to flex their economic muscle [holds up bicep a la Mr. Kelly] -- ow.  
  
[ALFRED enters]  
  
ALFRED: Sir, I'm afraid I must interrupt with your studies. You have a phone call from a Mr. K. Rhyme.  
  
BRUCE: Of course, Alfred. Come along, Dick. You may learn a thing or two about, er... I know there's something I do that relates to international trade.  
  
DICK: You betcha, Bruce. See you, Aunt Harriet.  
  
[BRUCE and DICK exit]  
  
HARRIET (to Alfred): Oh, those boys. Always up to something.  
  
ALFRED: Indeed, madame, indeed. 


	2. Scene 2 - Headquarters

[A/N: Welcome back. Well, not really. I'm posting these at the same time. But I shall hold you in suspense because I don't know when I'll be updating again. This is my draft of our movie and I still have to consult with Meredith, who is the authority on all things "Batman" TV show, and JT, our, er, eclectic villan. If you knew him, you would understand. So enjoy. And review, please! It's always good to have feedback from strangers. And it may even help our eventual performance!]  
  
  
  
SCENE II -- Five Minutes Earlier  
  
[Headquarters. COMMISSIONER GORDON and CHIEF O'HARA sit and discuss candidly of the latest success of the Dynamic Duo. They hear a knock, and then a voice. It is the RITALINER.]  
  
RITALINER: My, my. Climbing up that building was the most fun I've had in -- oh, 5 minutes! [Insane laughter.]  
  
O'HARA (reaching for the Bat-Phone): Who are you?  
  
RITALINER: That's not of importance. [Thinks a moment, then reconsiders.] Oh, posh. I am the Ritaliner. My cousin is known around here I believe -- the Riddler?  
  
GORDON: R-riddler? Y-you're related to him?  
  
RITALINER: Yes, yes. We were going to be the greatest crime team in the world! But then -- [directs attention to the map of Gotham] wow, what a big city!  
  
GORDON: Excuse me?  
  
RITALINER: Wow -- um, yes. Now where was I? Oh, right. It was then I was cursed -- or blessed? -- with ADD.  
  
O'HARA (laughing): ADD?  
  
RITALINER: You know, Attention Deficit Disorder? I have an extremely short attention sp- ooh, look at all those little cars!  
  
GORDON: So why did you come to Gotham City all of a sudden? To get your cousin out of jail?  
  
RITALINER: Oh, no. That son of a gun can stay put. I'm here to rid myself of my curse. [Shakes head] I hear you have some guardians over your city who can be quite resourceful at times.  
  
O'HARA: Surely you mean Dynamic Duo?  
  
RITALINER: Those silly catchphrases. I heard they went by Batman and Robin. And I've also heard tales of their [air quotes] "heroic" feats. And they always have supplies. Whether it be Knockout Gas in an assortment of hues, the Bat Computer in the Batmobile, or -- my personal favorite -- Shark Repellent Bat-Spray. Sharks, that tend to explode... [drifts into dream world]  
  
GORDON and O'HARA: RITALINER!!  
  
RITALINER: Right, of course. Well, I was hoping I could infiltrate the Bat Cave and-  
  
O'HARA: Discover the Caped Crusaders' secret identities in order to sell the story to the tabloid and make a heapin' load o' cash! I knew it!  
  
GORDON: Let the man speak, Chief! You'll get him off topic! Again!! [They glance at Ritaliner, who is ambling around the office, picking up various items]  
  
RITALINER (snapped out of the reverie): No! That's not what I want to do! I simply want to see if they have some kind of ADD antidote in their lair! Did you think my intentions would be purely selfish, pointless, and most likely thwarted?  
  
GORDON: Well, that seems to be the running pattern.  
  
RITALINER: But I'm not my cousin and all his little cohorts! I'll never be one of them if they keep exiling me like they do, even from that vile prison, plopped there but those horrid local heroes... I'm sorry, what were you saying?  
  
GORDON (suddenly on the Bat Phone and speaking into it): I was saying, Batman, that I think you need to get over here and stage a family reunion! 


End file.
